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C/O DR. LOGAN,
770 OAK STREET,
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA,
17th May [1900].
DEAR MARGOT,

I am sorry, I cannot come to Chicago yet for a few days. The doctor (Dr. Logan) says I must not undertake a journey till completely strong. He is bent on making me strong. My stomach is very, very good and nerves fine. I am getting on. A few days more and I will be all right. I received your letter with the enclosed.

If you leave for New York soon, take my mail with you. I am coming to New York direct. If you leave New York before I leave, put my mail in a cover and deposit with Turiyananda, and tell him to keep it for me and not to open it on any account, nor any one of my Indian letters. Turiyananda will take charge. Also see that my clothes and books are at the Vedanta Society’s rooms in New York.

I will write you more soon — an introduction to Mrs. Huntington. This affair should be private.
With love and blessings,
VIVEKANANDA.
P.S. As I have got to stop at Chicago for my ticket, will you ask anybody to take me in for a day or two, if Mrs. Hale is gone East by that time?

V.

ALAMEDA, CALIFORNIA,
18th April, 1900.
MY DEAR JOE,
Just now I received yours and Mrs. Bull’s welcome letter. I direct this to London. I am so glad Mrs. Leggett is on the sure way to recovery.
I am so sorry Mr. Leggett resigned the presidentship.
Well, I keep quiet for fear of making further trouble.
You know my methods are extremely harsh and once roused I may rattle A— too much for his peace of mind.
I wrote to him only to tell him that his notions about Mrs. Bull are entirely wrong.
Work is always difficult; pray for me Joe that my works stop for ever, and my whole soul be absorbed in Mother. Her works, She knows.
You must be glad to be in London once more — the old friends, give them all my love and gratitude.
I am well, very well mentally. I feel the rest of the soul more shall that of the body. The battles are lost and won, I have bundled my things and am waiting for the great deliverer.
“Shiva, O Shiva, carry my boat to the other shore.”
After all, Joe, I am only the boy who used to listen with rapt wonderment to the wonderful words of Ramakrishna under the Banyan at Dakshineswar. That is my true nature; works and activities, doing good and so forth are all superimpositions. Now I again hear his voice; the same old voice thrilling my soul. Bonds are breaking — love dying, work becoming tasteless — the glamour is off life. Only the voice of the Master calling. — “I come Lord, I come.” “Let the dead bury the dead, follow thou Me.” — “I come, my beloved Lord, I come.”
Yes, I come. Nirvana is before me. I feel it at times — the same infinite ocean of peace, without a ripple, a breath.
I am glad I was born, glad I suffered so, glad I did make big blunders, glad to enter peace. I leave none bound, I take no bonds. Whether this body will fall and release me or I enter into freedom in the body, the old man is gone, gone for ever, never to come back again! The guide, the Guru, the leader, the teacher has passed away; the boy, the student, the servant is left behind.
You understand why I do not want to meddle with A—. Who am I to meddle with anyone, Joe? I have long given up my place as a leader — I have no right to raise my voice. Since the beginning of this year I have not dictated anything in India. You know that. Many thanks for what you and Mrs. Bull have been to me in the past. All blessings follow you ever! The sweetest moments of my life have been when I was drifting: I am drifting again — with the bright warm sun ahead and masses of vegetation around — and in the heat everything is so still, so calm — and I am drifting languidly — in the warm heart of the river! I dare not make a splash with my hands or feet — for fear of breaking the marvellous stillness, stillness that makes you feel sure it is an illusion!
Behind my work was ambition, behind my love was personality, behind my purity was fear, behind my guidance the thirst of power! Now they are vanishing, and I drift. I come! Mother, I come! In Thy warm bosom, floating wheresoever Thou takest me, in the voiceless, in the strange, in the wonderland, I come — a spectator, no more an actor.
Oh, it is so calm! My thoughts seem to come from a great, great distance in the interior of my own heart. They seem like rains, distant whispers, and peace is upon every thing, sweet, sweet peace — like that one feels for a few moments just before falling into sleep, when things are seen and felt like shadows — without fear, without love, without emotion. Peace that one feels alone, surrounded with statues and pictures — I come! Lord, I come!
The world is, but not beautiful nor ugly, but as sensations without exciting any emotion. Oh, Joe, the blessedness of it! Everything is good and beautiful; for things are all losing their relative proportions to me — my body among the first. Om That Existence!
I hope great things to come to you all in London and Paris. Fresh joy — fresh benefits to mind and body.
With love as ever to you and Mrs. Bull,

Yours faithfully,

VIVEKANANDA.

ALAMEDA, CALIFORNIA,
20th April, 1900.
MY DEAR JOE,
Received your note today. I wrote you one yesterday but directed it to England thinking you will be there.
I have given your message to Mrs. Betts. I am so sorry this little quarrel came with A__. I got also his letter you sent. He is correct so far as he says, “Swami wrote me ‘Mr. Leggett is not interested in Vedanta and will not help any more. You stand on your own feet.'” It was as you and Mrs. Leggett desired me to write him from Los Angeles about New York — in reply to his asking me what to do for funds.
Well, things will take their own shape, but it seems in Mrs. Bull’s and your mind there is some idea that I ought to do something. But in the first place I do not know anything about the difficulties. None of you write me anything about what that is for, and I am no thought-reader. You simply wrote me a general idea that A__ wanted to keep things in his hands. What can I understand from it? What are the difficulties? Regarding what the differences are about, I am as much in the dark as about the exact date of the Day of Destruction! And yet Mrs. Bull’s and your letters show quite an amount of vexation! These things get complicated sometimes, in spite of ourselves. Let them take their shape.
I have executed and sent the will to Mr. Leggett as desired by Mrs. Bull.
I am going on, sometimes well and at other times ill. I cannot say, on my conscience, that I have been the least benefited by Mrs. Milton. She has been good to me, I am very thankful. My love to her. Hope she will benefit others.
For writing to Mrs. Bull this fact, I got a four page sermon, as to how I ought to be grateful and thankful, etc., etc. All that is, sure, the outcome of this A__ business! Sturdy and Mrs. Johnson got disturbed by Margot, and they fell upon me. Now A__ disturbs Mrs. Bull and, of course, I have to bear the brunt of it. Such is life!
You and Mrs. Leggett wanted me to write him to be free and independent and that Mr. Leggett was not going to help them. I wrote it — now what can I do? If John or Jack does not obey you, am I to be hanged for it? What do I know about this Vedanta Society? Did I start it? Had I any hand in it? Then again, nobody condescends to write me anything about what the affair is! Well, this world is a great fun.
I am glad Mrs. Leggett is recovering fast. I pray every moment for her complete recovery. I start for Chicago on Monday. A kind lady has given me a pass up to New York to be used within three months. The Mother will take care of me. She is not going to strand me now after guarding me all my life.
Ever yours gratefully,

VIVEKANANDA.

23rd April, 1900.
MY DEAR MARY,
I ought to have started today but circumstances so happened that I cannot forgo the temptation to be in a camp under the huge red-wood trees of California before I leave. Therefore I postpone it for three or four days. Again after the incessant work I require a breath of God’s free air before I start on this bone-breaking journey of four days.
Margot insists in her letter that I must keep my promise to come to see Aunt Mary in fifteen days. It will be kept — only in twenty days instead of fifteen. By that I avoid the nasty snowstorm Chicago had lately and get a little strength too.
Margot is a great partisan of Aunt Mary it seems, and other people besides me have nieces and cousins and aunts.
I start tomorrow to the woods. Woof! get my lungs full of ozone before getting into Chicago. In the meanwhile keep my mail for me when it comes to Chicago and don’t send it off here like a good girl as you are.
I have finished work. Only a few days’ rest, my friends insist — three or four — before facing the railway.
I have got a free pass for three months from here to New York; no expense except the sleeping car; so, you see, free, free!
Yours affectionately,

VIVEKANANDA.

30th April, 1900.
MY DEAR MARY,
Sudden indisposition and fever prevent my starting for Chicago yet. I will start as soon as I am strong for the journey. I had a letter from Margot the other day. Give her kindly my love, and know yourself my eternal love. Where is Harriet? Still in Chicago? And the McKindley sisters? To all my love.
VIVEKANANDA.

1719 TURK STREET,
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIF.
April, 1900.
MY DEAR JOE,
Just a line before you start for France. Are you going via England? I had a beautiful letter from Mrs. Sevier in which I find that Miss Müller sent simply a paper without any other words to Kali who was with her in Darjeeling.
Congreave is the name of her nephew, and he is in the Transvaal war; that is the reason she underlined that, to show her nephew fighting the Boers in Transvaal. That was all. I cannot understand it any more now than then, of course.
I am physically worse than at Los Angeles, mentally much better, stronger, and peaceful. Hope it will continue to be so.
I have not got a reply to my letter to you; I expect it soon.
One Indian letter of mine was directed by mistake to Mrs. Wheeler; it came all right to me in the end. I had nice notes from Saradananda; they are doing beautifully over there. The boys are working up; well, scolding has both sides, you see; it makes them up and doing. We Indians have been so dependent for so long that it requires, I am sorry, a good lot of tongue to make them active. One of the laziest fellows had taken charge of the anniversary this year and pulled it through. They have planned and are successfully working famine works by themselves without my help. . . . All this comes from the terrific scolding I have been giving, sure!
They are standing on their own feet. I am so glad. See Joe, the Mother is working.
I sent Miss Thursby’s letter to Mrs. Hearst. She sent me an invitation to her musical. I could not go. I had a bad cold. So that was all. Another lady for whom I had a letter from Miss Thursby, an Oakland lady, did not reply. I don’t know whether I shall make enough in Frisco to pay my fare to Chicago! Oakland work has been successful. I hope to get about $100 from Oakland, that is all. After all, I am content. It is better that I tried. . . . Even the magnetic healer had not anything for me. Well, things will go on anyhow for me; I do not care how. . . . I am very peaceful. I learn from Los Angeles, Mrs. Leggett has been bad again. I wired to New York to learn what truth was in it. I will get a reply soon, I expect.
Say, how will you arrange about my mail when the Leggetts are over on the other side? Will you so arrange that they reach me right?
I have nothing more to say; all love and gratitude is yours; already you know that. You have already done more than I ever deserved. I don’t know whether I go to Paris or not, but I must go to England sure in May. I must not go home without trying England a few weeks more. With all love,

Ever yours in the Lord,

VIVEKANANDA.

PS. Mrs. Hansborough and Mrs. Appenul have taken a flat for a month at 1719 Turk Street. I am with them, and shall be a few weeks.

V.

To Sister Nivedita

2nd May, 1900.
MY DEAR NIVEDITA,
I have been very ill — one more relapse brought about by months of hard work. Well, it has shown me that I have no kidney or heart disease whatsoever, only overworked nerves. I am, therefore, going today in the country for some days till I completely recover, which I am sure will be in a few days.
In the meanwhile I do not want to read any India letters with the plague news etc. My mail is coming to Mary; either she or you keep them (you, if she goes away) till I return.
I am going to throw off all worry, and glory unto Mother.
Mrs. C. P. Huntington, a very, very wealthy lady, who has helped me, came; wants to see and help you. She will be in New York by the first of June. Do not go away without seeing her. If I cannot come early enough, I will send you an introduction to her.
Give my love to Mary. I am leaving here in a few days.
Ever yours with blessings,
VIVEKANANDA.
PS. The accompanying letter is to introduce you to Mrs. M. C. Adams, wife of Judge Adams. Go to see her immediately. Much good may come out of it. She is well known; find out her address.

V.

To Mrs. Blodgett of Los Angeles

2nd May, 1900.
DEAR AUNT ROXY,

Your very, very kind letter came. I am down again with nerves and fever, after six months of hard work. However, I found out that my kidneys and heart are as good as ever. I am going to take a few days’ rest in the country and then start for Chicago.

I have just written to Mrs. Milward Adams and also have given an introduction to my daughter, Miss Noble, to go and call upon Mrs. Adams and give her all information she wants about the work.

Well, dear good mother, may all blessings attend you and peace. I just want a bit of peace badly — pray for me. With love to Kate,

Ever your son,

VIVEKANANDA.

PS. Love to Miss Spencer — the Basaquisitz(?), Mrs. S__, and the other friends.
A heap of loving pats on the head to Tricks.

V

To Mrs. Ole Bull (in London)

San Francisco
18 May 1900
My dear Mother,
Many thanks for Joe’s [Miss Josephine MacLeod’s] and your letters. I have again a bad relapse–and [am] struggling out of it. This time I am perfectly certain that with me all diseases are nervous. I want rest for two, three years–and not the least bit of work between. I will take rest with the Seviers in the Himalayas.
Mrs. [James Henry] Sevier gave me 6,000 Rs. for family–this was distributed between my cousin, aunt, etc. The 5,000 Rs. for buying the house was borrowed from the Math funds. Do not stop the remittance you send to my cousin, whatever Saradananda may say to the contrary. Of course I do not know what he says.
I have long given up the idea of a little house on the Ganges, as I have not the money.
But I have got some in Calcutta and some with the Leggetts, and if you give a thousand more, that will be a fund for my own personal expenses (as you know I never took Math money) as well as for my mother. Kindly write to Saradananda to give up the little house plan. I am not going to write any more for weeks yet–till I completely recover. I hope to get over [it] in a few weeks from now–it was a terrible relapse. I am with a Doctor friend [Dr. Milburn H. Logan], and he is taking every care of me.
Tell Joe that going amongst different people with a message also does not belong to the Sannyasin; for a Sannyasin, [there] is quiet and retirement, scarcely seeing the face of man.
I am now ripe for that, physically at least. If I don’t go into retirement, nature will force me to it. Many thanks that temporal things have been so well arranged by you.
With all love to Joe and yourself–
Your Son,
Vivekananda

 To Sister Nivedita

770 OAK STREET,
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA,
18th May 1900.
DEAR MARGOT,

Enclosed find the letter of introduction to Mrs. Huntington. She can, if she likes, make your school a fact with one stroke of her pen. May Mother make her do it!

I am afraid I will have to go direct to New York, as by that time the Hales will be off. I cannot start for two weeks at least yet. Give the Hales my love.

With love and blessings,

Yours,

VIVEKANANDA.

P.S. I received your letter, including Yum’s [Miss Josephine MacLeod’s].

V.

To Swami Abhedananda

770 Oak Street
San Francisco, Cal.
C/o Dr. Logan, M.D.
[May 19, 1900?]
My dear Abhedananda
I am very, very glad to hear about the new home of the Vedanta Society. As things stand, I will have to come to New York direct from here–without stoppage–but it will be two or three weeks yet, I am afraid. Things are coming up so fast that I can not but change my plans and stop a few more days.
I am trying my best to get one of you for a flying visit to this Coast–it is a great country for Vedanta.
Get all my books and clothes etc., inyour home. I am coming soon. My love to Mrs. Crane. Is she still living on beef-steak and hot water? Miss [Sarah Ellen] Waldo and Mrs. Coulston 154 write about the publication of a new edition of Karma-Yoga. I have written to Miss Waldo all about it. The money in hand from the sale of books ought to be spent, of course.
Do you see my books and clothes all safe there? They were with Mrs. Bull in Boston.
With all love,
Vivekananda

To Sister Christine

C/o Dr. Logan,
770 Oak Street,
San Francisco, California,
19th May 1900.
Dear Christina,
How are you? When is your vacation to commence? I am still in California. Hope to start for the East in two or three weeks more.
Write me all about yourself and how things are going on. How is Mrs. Funkey [Funke]? And the other friends?
Yours as ever,
Vivekananda.

 

SAN FRANCISCO,
26th May, 1900.
DEAR NIVEDITA,
All blessings on you. Don’t despond in the least. Shri wah Guru! Shri wah Guru! You come of the blood of a Kshatriya. Our yellow garb is the robe of death on the field of battle. Death for the cause is our goal, not success. Shri wah Guru! . . .
Black and thick are the folds of sinister fate. But I am the master. I raise my hand, and lo, they vanish! All this is nonsense. And fear? I am the Fear of fear, the Terror of terror, I am the fearless secondless One, I am the Rule of destiny, the Wiper-out of fact. Shri wah Guru! Steady, child, don’t be bought by gold or anything else, and we win!
VIVEKANANDA.